When I look back on 2023, not only am I looking back on a year, but I’m looking back on my last year of being in my 40s. The first half of my life is behind me (god willing I have 50 more!). And what a difference a couple of years make, because I remember feeling dread about turning 50. But, as my 50th approaches later this month, I’m excited and feel very lucky that I’ve come this far and accomplished many of my dreams…
I’m more comfortable with the idea that I don’t have to have all the answers and that two contradicting ideas can be true. I can feel the haste of time and also slow down to enjoy the sweet moments that each day offers. I can have spells of anxiety that things aren’t lining up exactly how I want them to and also feel like I’m in perfect flow with the universe. I know I’ve achieved a lot in my life and that there’s a lot more I’d like to do, but I feel in equal measure that I don’t have to prove anything more to myself or anyone else.
I’m proud of reaching mid life and also feel a sense of something that’s hard to describe… it’s not angst, but I am approaching the ages that my parents were when they passed away. I'm right at the crossroads of where they left the earth and where I feel my new beginnings are. They’ve been out of my life longer than they’ve been in it and that never stops feeling like a huge loss. But with that loss, it’s taught me to chase those dreams as soon as I have the impulse, because, tomorrow is never guaranteed.
A quote from the late actor, Heath Ledger - "Everyone you meet always asks you if you have a career, are married, or own a house as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks you if you’re happy".
On any given day, I would say I’m happy, but I know that I can find a deeper happiness if I keep exploring what that means to me. And for me, the pursuit of deep, authentic happiness is a pretty noble pursuit for the better half.
As I write this, the fire is going and it’s just started to snow outside. The first storm of the new year. Tomorrow when I wake up, it’s going to be a winter wonderland outside. I’m very happy about that.
Sending lots of love to you all,
Cheers, Caroline! Can’t wait to celebrate YOU! xo