My Thoughts On Aging

I never thought I’d be musing about aging, but now that I'm looking back at my mid 40s and 50 is closer than I'd like to admit, things have shifted. And I don’t just mean figuratively! I find myself digging deeper into a very shallow well of references that speak to this stage in my life. I’m used to seeing visual reference points of women pushing 30 or 40, and reading their discussions about what they're experiencing, but I’m not finding many for this weird in-between age where I'm equal parts reluctantly letting go of what was and embracing what is as a 47 year old woman. And knowing that change starts with me, I decided to stop digging and start writing. 

For me, my 20s were about picking up the pieces and recovering from losing my parents, moving to a new country and starting my business. In my 30s, I was enjoying my career, and building a framework for the future. Now, in my 40s, I feel like I’ve had the epiphany that the future is now and I’m aware of time in a way that I've never been before. I’m seeing how time has changed my mind, body and spirit and how fluid those elements are. And, as changes hit me with more frequency, I’m constantly getting to know myself over again. In turn, the opportunities seem more present now that I’m 47. I have the choice to mourn my more youthful self or embrace and discover who I am today. I know more now and yet I’m still learning and I see many women in their 60s and 70s embrace their natural beauty. So, I pose the question to myself - “Why is accepting the aging process so hard?”

Being an artist and a creative, I live in a very aesthetic realm and I have ideas about what I find attractive. So, I often wonder how to mesh that with allowing the aging process to unfold in a healthy and natural way. Because if I don’t, am I not just covering shame with a mask? I think the core of what drives me to having negative self talk is that I feel less than the ultimate vision of what I have in my head. Just like the many times I’ve seen something that I love the look of, whether it be those jeans or that dress, only to find myself disliking them because I don’t like how they look on me - it’s disappointing. And this isn’t about losing those few extra pounds, this is about a childhood indoctrination, watching the patterns and behaviors of my mother who taught me how to perfect self critique. I learned that it was never enough, you could never be skinny enough, pretty enough. At my age now, I find the inner dialogue too exhausting and frivolous to want to care anymore. And yet there are many parts of me that still do.

My mother didn’t have a healthy relationship with her body. I remember growing up watching her start many crazy diets and exercise fads, compare herself to others, define for herself what she found beautiful. I would hear her state all the things she hated about herself… and it sunk in. The message I heard was your body could be something to love or loath. 

When I was around 9, my mother started spraying Sun In on my hair… remember that spray that made your hair turn blonder with the sun or a hairdryer? I didn’t really ask her why she did it, I was too young to question much, but looking back I imagine she was trying to change me. When I was 14, I remember telling her one day that I thought my friend, Hayley at school was really pretty and asked if she thought Hayley was prettier than me. She said, “she is, but you’re pretty in your own way.” I was caught off guard and wasn’t sure what to do with this information that suddenly punctured my innocent orbit. Since it came from my mother, it felt like very valuable feedback even though I couldn’t understand it because it was neither a full insult or a full compliment. But this story isn’t unique. It’s quite rare to hear people talk kindly about their own appearance. How then, when faced with real change at various stages of our lives, can we expect to be equipped with the tools to handle these changes with compassion and grace? It can feel impossible sometimes. Aging is so much about physical change but what I’m wanting to try and focus on more is peace of mind, mental health, learning to love what is and finding skills that will bring wellness to my whole being. Above all else, what I want to find of most importance is that I’m healthy and happy.

Regardless of the fact that I'm currently struggling with this in-between age, I have a strong desire to keep digging for resources that support women like me who have similar challenges. I know for me, when something is demystified, it feels more normal. It’s helpful to hear frequently that lines on your face are beautiful and natural, a few extra pounds are sexy, peri menopause and menopause can be a journey that leads to good things, that achy bones and muscles are not curses, but are little daily whispers to remind us to keep moving our bodies. Aging doesn’t mean losing relevance and vitality, it in fact increases our relevance and vitality by offering us opportunities to shape society through our wisdom and experiences. I’ll take more of all of that. 

I know I don't have the answers, I’m just trying my best to be my best. Nothing is absolute or static, and by sharing my thoughts, hopefully this lands with you, and that you’ll feel there is a community here where conversation can be helpful in normalizing whatever you’re going through. As always, I look forward to your thoughts.

Sending lots of love,

Caroline xo